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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23161504">Unraveling Which Abomination My Coworkers Have Turned Into Is The Sexiest</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CertifiedPissWizard/pseuds/CertifiedPissWizard'>CertifiedPissWizard</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Mechanisms (Unraveled) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Mechanisms (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BDG’s Unraveled AU, Gen, Rated M for sex jokes, sheer crack, this is just me goofing it yall</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:20:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,399</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23161504</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CertifiedPissWizard/pseuds/CertifiedPissWizard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lyfrassir: It’s me! Your favorite inspector trapped within an eldritch hellsca-<br/>[a shadow crosses over the camera as the text fades. Lyfrassir ducks. Their next words come out as a whisper]<br/>Lyfrassir: And this week on Bifrost Unraveled we’re going to be determining which of my ex-coworkers who were turned into eldritch monstrosities is the sexiest.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Mechanisms (Unraveled) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664944</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Unraveling Which Abomination My Coworkers Have Turned Into Is The Sexiest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[theres someone standing in front of a brick wall. Their hair is long and dark down their back, with rainbow strands standing out from it. There is text in front of them. It reads “Bifrost Unraveled”]</p><p>Lyfrassir: It’s me! Your favorite inspector trapped within an eldritch hellsca-</p><p>[a shadow crosses over the camera as the text fades. Lyfrassir ducks. Their next words come out as a whisper]</p><p>Lyfrassir: And this week on Bifrost Unraveled we’re going to be determining which of my ex-coworkers who were turned into eldritch monstrosities is the sexiest.</p><p>[Theres a jump cut and then a stringboard is on the wall behind them]</p><p>Lyfrassir: So first we’ll exclude the ones who still look humanish. So that excludes:</p><p>[Pictures of the eldritch forms of their ex-coworkers appear as they mention the names. The pictures are distorted with rainbow streaks in the background]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Chad, Amanda, Brad, Sandra, and pretty much all the other ones with basic bitch names. And we’re throwing out them and their mostly human forms because unlike the people who gave them those names we aren’t basic bitches. The next ones were tossing out are the ones whose forms would make them consenting to anything difficult because that’s just nasty, and we’re also throwing out the ones that are balls of light, gas and madness. Additionally we’re getting rid of duplicates except for the sexiest version.</p><p>[more pictures flicker across the screen. There’s another shadow that passes overhead and a screeching sound. Lyfrassir cowers.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Shit, Brandy’s pissed. You’re on the list of bangable monsters Brandy! Cool your seed pods! At least I think that’s Brandy. Alright! Now it’s time to discuss our criteria for what makes a eldritch monstrosity that used to be a coworker of mine sexy. This is, of course, ignoring the crushes that I may or may not have had on them before the collapse of society.</p><p>[They clap and there are papers attached to the string board naming the criteria. As Lyfrassir continues to speak the names of the criteria appear.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Okay, so. How likely are they to eat me? Because a certain amount of that is hot, but we can’t have too much or too little of that. The ideal score in this category is five, because it’s the perfect amount of adventure you need while hiding from the maddened remnants of your once colleagues.</p><p>[A scale on the screen appears. There’s a green bean on one end and a black hole on the other end. In the middle is a cartoon image of a vampire. There is an arrow pointing at it. Below the arrow is the text “This is sexy]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Next off! Tentacles. The ideal amount of tentacles is a lot. Tentacles are very sexy. I proved this by doing a poll of the not completely maddened beings in the area, i.e. just me. 100% of the people who responded to the poll agreed that tentacles are hot as Hel.</p><p>[This time a bar graph appears on the screen. The text appears to be hand written in sloppy handwriting. Along the X axis is written “# of tentacles” and along the Y axis is written “bangability” The line goes steadily up as you move across the X axis]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Next up we have likelihood of driving me to madness. A low score is definitely sexiest. Now teeth! The sharper and more the better as long as kissing is still possible. Finally we have tenderness. Are they likely to still be there the morning after and cook breakfast with you?</p><p>[There’s a pause. More shadows pass over.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Looking at these criteria I realize that it makes it seem like my ideal datemate is a sentient octopus that can make omelets and is also a vampire. You might be right. Please don’t kinkshame.</p><p>[A gif of SpaceJohn Mulaney appears. He is saying “Now we don’t have time to unpack all that.”]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Now on to the judging of my ex-coworkers! The least sexy of them is Dirk.</p><p>[Dirk is a ball of floating grey slime. While Lyfrassir talks there is a picture of Dirk on the screen, and he is placed on the bird according to where he ranks in the various categories]</p><p>Lyfrassir: I would say fucking Dirk but that implies a sort of sex appeal that his current form as a ball of slime that consumes all before it definitely doesn’t have. He ranks very high in the likely to eat me category, reaching a perfect 10. He’s also very likely to drive me to madness figuring out where all of that food goes, and how he’s flying, and how he’s a perfect sphere. Also that shade of grey? Not sexy. He also fails embarrassingly in all of the other categories.</p><p>[Lyfrassir’s face suddenly looks super frightened. They run for the camera.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Dirk found me. Shit! Time to find another place to finish filming this video.</p><p>[There is a sign that says technical difficulties. The camera turns on again in what looks like an abandoned basement. The light is bad and Lyfrassir is barely visible. They appear to be bleeding slightly. It’s easy to imagine a determined look to their face. They are an investigator and they need to communicate the results of their investigation.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Okay. Now for the second to least sexiest. Brandy. I’m sorry, but it’s you. It isn’t even a category thing so much as a I don’t want seeds planted in my flesh sort of thing. I forgot to account for that when I made my ranking scale.</p><p>[They slap a picture of Brandy to the wall. This isn’t very useful given that the new filming location is incredibly dark. A picture of Brandy also appears on the screen. There are large amounts of teeth, and there are two seed pods on her chest.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Look. I’m not kink shaming but oviposition just isn’t my thing. Alright! Next up on our list of too many is Mara!</p><p>[The video continues in this fashion for some time. Light levels and location change drastically. Lyfrassir looks super tired. Let them rest.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Time for our top 3 left.</p><p>[They pant. They are covered in dust, blood, and rainbow fluids. They are eating a granola bar.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Okay so I’m going to go with names first. Then I’m going to go with why they are where they are in the ranking system. Iris, Idris, and Iria. Yes. All of those names start with the letter I. So in third place is Iris.</p><p>[Iris kind of looks like Space Hermaeus Mora from Space Skyrim but with teeth.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Do I even need to explain why she’s sexy? She just needs more teeth! And it would be nice if she didn’t beam forbidden knowledge into my brain every time she gets the chance. Still! She’s only tried to eat my brain a few times, and she somehow managed to get me a pizza. She’s pretty chill. If you cuddled with her she’d probably run her tentacles through your hair while whispering the dark secrets of the universe to you. Sort of like if Space Samwise Gamgee was a multitentacled horror and also a college professor. In second place is Idris.</p><p>[Idris looks like a fish-man hybrid with tentacles.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: Look at him and tell me he isn’t sexy. I don’t even need to run him through the scale. He’s just automatically sexy. I saw him eating the creature my asshole neighbor turned into. Someone defending you from assholes is like the premise of the Space Zombies: Love in the Time of Brains: Football Edition:Version 420: In 4-D. That’s the epitome of sex appeal theydies and gentlethem. Next up is Iria.</p><p>[Iria looks like an octopus and a really bright and shiny insect had a baby with teeth and hella good hair.]</p><p>Lyfrassir: I know literally nothing about how they behave right now to be honest. They have sharp teeth, though. A good mouth for kissing. Looking at them doesn’t make me feel like I’m going insane. Honestly they look like someone tried to make spacedogs 2.0 in spore but that’s ridiculous because you can’t improve on perfection. Anyways they have tentacles for sure. I’ve also seen them gently cuddling smaller eldritch beings? Although those may have been drained corpses of their victims. You can’t know for sure! And that’s sexy.</p>
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